I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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