thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
