I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
