Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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