New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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