I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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