Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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