shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
