you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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