I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
