I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
