I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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