I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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