Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
