My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
