We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
