Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
