I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
