The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
