the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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