Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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