I'm lost and stupid without you.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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