Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
