the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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