How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
3 2 1 whiskey
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
