I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
