i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
drinking out of a sandbucket again
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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