sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
