Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
