God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
