I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
