my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
