I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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