i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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