turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
