I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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