I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
