that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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