i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
