Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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