help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
