Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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