Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
A+ Viking dick
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
