I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
