I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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