Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
