my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
