My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
