You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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