There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
