seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
