Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
