You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
