I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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