shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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