I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
